The words nice and kind are often used interchangeably, but they are actually very different. Conflating the two leads to considerable suffering in our lives.

Nice is what we do when we are doing what we think is right: what society or the moment expects of us. It is the thing that we think we should do, which is often not what we actually wish to do. It is often the thing that we do so automatically due to a lifetime of programming that it makes us uneasy when someone violates the norms of “nice,” even when doing the nice thing makes little sense in the circumstances.

We often choose to be nice when we are trying to be mature and cordial, even when we are still angry at or hurt by the person we are being nice to. We also act in a nice way when we believe we have a certain role to fill, such as friend, partner, or caregiver; and we extend ourselves in performing that role beyond what we would wish to do in the moment.

There are two primary issues with nice. The first is that being nice is a movement of force. When we are being nice, we are overextending ourselves, moving beyond the action we desire to do, and instead forcing ourselves to do the thing we think we should do. As a result, we often end up resenting the people we are being nice towards, especially when we don’t feel that our niceness is being reciprocated.

This leads to the second issue with nice. Nice is not honest. When we are being nice, we are lying to the person we are being nice to, and often we are lying to ourselves as well. The person who we are being nice to can sense — sometimes consciously, sometimes not — that the nice behavior isn’t genuine; and as a result, they resent it and us. That is often the reason that the niceness we extend is not reciprocated. The other person senses the dishonesty, resents us for it, and has no desire to reciprocate. When we are being dishonest, we are not being kind, we are being cruel.

Being nice is actually being cruel. When we are being nice, we are forcing ourselves to move in a way we don’t wish to move or that is not honest, and we are doing something for someone else that often establishes or reinforces dependent connections, hindering their growth. White lies, for example, are nice, but not kind. They are a social lubricant to avoid discomfort, which is why they are nice; however, they are not kind, since they fuel dependent connections: they allow the speaker to hide from the discomfort of telling the truth, and the recipient from hearing it.

If you’re not familiar with the concept of dependent connections, I recommend that you read the article Cutting the Cords: A Deep Dive into Dependent Connections and How to Break Free. It explains how dependent connections arise and provides a number of examples of ways in which we move in a dependent manner. It may change the way you think about many common interaction patterns and societal structures.

So then what is kind? I often discuss what I call the Five Virtues, which I believe collectively will yield heaven on Earth. The first three of those virtues are (1) metta: unconditional love, (2) karuna: compassion for suffering, and (3) mudita: taking joy in others’ joy. Those three virtues collectively yield kindness.

True kindness involves acting with unconditional love, aiming to ease someone's suffering and bring joy without expecting anything in return. It's a movement of genuine care and compassion. It is not a movement we do because we think we should or because we are getting something for it; it is a movement we do because we wish to be kind. And true kindness inherently sweeps in the other two virtues as well, since true kindness is not possible without equanimity and honoring the sovereignty of all beings involved.

Many of us don’t actually know what true kindness is. True kindness is unconditional. It is not predicated on whether someone is being kind in response, and it is not something that one feels forced to do because of circumstances or propriety. It is a genuine desire to be there for someone and help them feel loved and grow, irrespective of how they respond.

To help you to perceive the difference between nice and kind, I will provide an energetic transmission to help clarify your understanding. Tune into the psychic portal encoded in the words, and feel the shift in your body and your mind:

{Perceive Nice as Nice and Kind as Kind}

I am now going to walk you through an exercise to help you to tune to the energy of kindness and learn to extend that energy of kindness to yourself. First, I am going to give you a transmission of a technology my friend Ben developed. It is a beautiful way of working with the frequency of kindness directly. The exercise after the transmission will help it to integrate.

{Kindness Heart Light}

Think about a moment of unconditional kindness that you have experienced in your life, when someone was being kind to you for no other reason than to be kind. Almost everyone has experienced some moment of unconditional kindness in their lives. Maybe it was a parent, or a sibling, or a favorite relative, or a friend, or a teacher, or maybe even a stranger. It could be something you experienced over and over again, or something you experienced for only the briefest instant. Tune into the frequency of that unconditional kindness and perceive it as the pink light of a rose quartz crystal. Bring that rose quartz light into your heart and give it to yourself. {You can be kind to you.}

Once you have learned to be kind to yourself, it is important to remember that every unkind thought is a traumatized part of you who did not receive kindness when it was needed. You can give that part kindness now, give it that rose quartz heart light, and be free from unkind thoughts. Similarly, any fear is a place in which you aren't being kind to yourself. You can give the fear kindness and give yourself kindness in experiencing the fear. It doesn't matter how rational or justified the fear is given your worldview. It is about kindness. Kindness is key.

When you learn to be kind to yourself, reality becomes kind to you.