Um, I Think I’m Enlightened?
January 4, 2023
Dear Hanjo & Ananda,
I'm finding myself in a somewhat unexpected situation and could use your advice. Last night, I was writing out my journal from my notes from the drive. On the drive, I had been speaking with the children about magic. The conversation switched to questions of video game addiction (something my son has shown signs of), and I decided to combine the two discussions. I wrote out the following paragraph:
I discussed with the children the importance of the dimension of identity, and how it's the story generator. All of the other dimensions refold as to themselves and each other as the dimension of identity folds. We talked about video games, and how the children's relationship with video games is all about that identity. If they can change the story, they can refold all of the dimensions (without knowing how to do it manually) and suddenly have a wholesome relationship with video games, in which there is no push or pull on their psyche.
As I wrote the last line, it dawned on me in a very obvious way that I can do the same thing with enlightenment. I can fold the dimension of identity to change the story to I AM ENLIGHTENED. But before I did that, I intuitively reached for the technique taught by Ananda and refined by Heka. I sought out the highest and best timeline in which I became enlightened last night. I brought it into focus, reached for its crystal heart stone, and encased it in gold, feeling the timeline stabilize. The dimensions started folding around me, and I sat there just feeling the shifts, moving intuitively from my heart, and letting it flow. I would periodically stop and try to reach for the enlightenment particle, but it was as inaccessible behind its hexagonal cage as it had always been. I was frustrated and tempted to reach out to a god for help, but my heart sang that this should be mine -- entirely my own to accomplish, with no outside support. I returned to the working and kept folding. It has become very clear to me that everyone's path to enlightenment is unique, and it seemed entirely appropriate that my unique path required me to build my own enlightenment.
Eventually, it felt done. I reached out for the enlightenment particle, and the hexagonal cage shattered into dust. The particle was out in the open, but not part of me. I tried to reach for it to bring it into me, but couldn't. I started folding dimensions again, and also tried to connect to it with a Heka particle. There was a connection - a closeness - but I still wasn't able to grasp it. Finally, I reached out to the enlightenment particle and folded it into the Formless. There was a big shift, and then suddenly the particle was there, in my grasp, able to be easily brought down through my crown chakra into my heart, and then with a bit of pressure, into my heart of hearts. I felt a huge energetic shift, a powerful relaxation, and then the malleable feeling one has after a fruition (as well as the pounding heart and flushed feeling I would get when I attained fruition), although I didn't notice the discontinuity, nor did I see the doors. I sat with the enlightenment particle in my heart and resonated with it, allowing the energy to expand out into every corner of my body and mind.
For the next hour or so, I sat on my cushion and let a lot of dukkha slip away. I had a new relationship with dukkha, similar to what I experienced when I thought I had that first taste of enlightenment during our session in October. It was easy to catch everything that came into my mind that felt conditioned and work with it to release it to the Formless. I worked through my energy centers and moved the enlightenment into each, folding each energy center into the Formless as I went. I also started doing a bunch of what felt like unfinished 3rd Path work -- giving my sight and my hearing and my sense of taste to the Formless, for example, and feeling them expand into a more non-dual framework. It felt incredible to accomplish these difficult perceptual adjustments that had previously eluded me in a matter of seconds.
I suddenly had the strong urge to reach for the Veil and tear it apart, but my experience yesterday morning with the negative entity (which I am increasingly sure was the same entity that attacked me in August) left me hesitant to blow the lid entirely off of the one thing shielding me from the unfiltered universe. I started shredding the Veil, and at the same time, building something new made of light. It was a regulator, meant to allow me to control the degree of access to the universe, like an iris for enlightenment. The Veil shredded entirely, the working completed, I felt the Heka particle form and the dimensions fold, and the regulator slotted into the place where the Veil had been. The regulator is now there strongly in my mind. The problem is that I can't figure out how to make the regulator work. It seems to be stuck closed, and I can't open it!
Something is clearly hugely different. As far as I can tell, I don't seem to be generating new dukkha. There is a pervasive peace in my existence, but it is not all encompassing — I still feel a huge amount of dukkha inside of myself and am not exactly filled with joy - it feels like I'm being weighed down from old conditioning, as something no longer "me". I have a much-deepened non-dual understanding, but I feel like the regulator is preventing me from really moving past duality.
I'm not sure if I'm enlightened -- I guess I expected from your descriptions that enlightenment would be more obvious. Is it just a matter of shedding my conditioning, or has the enlightenment not fully integrated, or is the regulator blocking me, or is this not actually enlightenment, but something else? I truly hope this was my enlightenment, since it felt so incredibly real and just like all of the other workings I have done. If this wasn't actually enlightenment, it puts into question the validity of all of the other workings I have done. I would love to get your thoughts.
With love and heartfelt gratitude,
Scott
