Cutting the Cords: A Deep Dive into Dependent Connections and How to Break Free
In order to live a life of harmony and joy, we can strive to move always in accordance with the Five Heavenly Virtues: (1) unconditional love for all beings, (2) compassion for the suffering of others and ourselves, (3) taking joy in the joy of others, (4) equanimity, which means non-reactivity in the moment, and (5) sovereignty: understanding that all beings have intrinsic worth and are worthy of intrinsic respect. A failure of that last one - sovereignty - is the focus of this writing.
When we move without sovereignty, we lack respect for ourselves or for others. We allow dependent connections to form in our life that either drain our energy or help us to turn away from growth. A dependent connection is formed whenever one person uses their energy to help another person hide or cling. This is never wholesome, since one person is draining themselves to help another person avoid growth. The energy provider often feels guilty, frustrated or exhausted. For the energy receiver, the connection has a flavor of borderline personality disorder to it, where the recipient often desires the support and resents it at the same time, or takes it entirely for granted and simply leeches on the person. Ultimately, both are disadvantaged by the relationship.
Dependent connections currently arise in many facets of family life, platonic and business relationships, romantic partnerships, and society at large. They can be simple energetic attachments, or they can be large collective dependencies, in which all of the parties collectively weave a shared dream in which reality is distorted. Here are a few examples of common dependent connections:
Family Relationships
Overprotective Parenting: Parents who shield their children from every difficulty, not allowing them to learn self-reliance and how to face life's challenges on their own.
Familial Support: One family member consistently bailing out another from financial or personal troubles, preventing them from learning to navigate challenges independently.
Shared Narratives of Dysfunction: Families often co-create and sustain narratives of dysfunction or victimhood, where members support and perpetuate each other's limiting beliefs and behaviors, reinforcing a negative shared dream.
Romantic Relationships
Emotional Co-Dependency: One or both partners depend heavily on the other for emotional support, validation, and self-worth, such that their sense of self or ability to find comfort is built largely on the other partner’s opinions or actions.
Financial Dependency: A dynamic where one partner relies entirely on the other for financial support, limiting their own empowerment and potentially creating an imbalance of power and an inability to leave the relationship without severe economic repercussions.
Attachment to Relationship Status: Clinging to a relationship status for identity or societal acceptance, or fear of loneliness, regardless of the health or happiness of the relationship itself.
Illusion of Incompleteness: Partners might co-create a dream where each believes they are incomplete without the other, leading to unhealthy attachment and dependency, rather than a partnership of mutual growth and independence.
Business Relationships
Micromanagement: A manager who doesn't delegate effectively, creating dependency among team members who don’t develop their own decision-making skills.
Employee Over-Reliance: An employee who constantly seeks validation and direction from superiors or colleagues, inhibiting their professional confidence and growth.
Work Imbalance: An employee might consistently take on extra work, covering for a colleague's shortcomings. This creates a dependency where the colleague doesn’t improve their skills or work habits, and the employee becomes overburdened.
Personal Interactions: Much of the modern human resources structure in larger businesses is geared primarily towards allowing everyone to hide. People are encouraged to report any uncomfortable encounter to human resources, rather than (when possible) addressing the issue directly with the person who gave rise to the problem.
Corporate Cultures of Fear: In some workplaces, a culture of fear, competition, or scarcity might be collectively sustained as a shared dream, inhibiting collaboration, innovation, and personal development.
Societal Relationships
Media Influence: Dependence on media outlets for shaping opinions and worldviews without critical analysis or seeking diverse perspectives.
Community Approval: Relying heavily on community or societal approval for self-esteem and life decisions, leading to a loss of individual authenticity.
Political Allegiance: Unquestioning loyalty to a political party or figure, without critically evaluating policies or actions, based on a need for belonging or fear of ostracization.
Demonization: Demonizing others for their failings, while hiding from our own missteps and poor behavior.
Cultural Trauma: Stories about victimization or superiority within a culture create shared narratives that the individuals in the culture collectively propagate.
Collective Myths of Limitation: Societies often co-create limiting myths (such as stereotypes or narratives of powerlessness) that individuals within the society help sustain, often subconsciously, through their actions and beliefs.
Non-Human Relationships
Substance Dependencies: Reliance on substances like alcohol or drugs for coping with emotional distress, avoiding the root causes of discomfort.
Material Attachment: Over-dependence on material possessions for happiness and self-worth, neglecting inner development and fulfillment.
Social Media: Excessive reliance on social media for social interaction and validation, leading to diminished real-world connections and self-esteem issues.
Technology: Using technology as a way to hide — for example, all of the people who pull their phone out whenever they have a moment of downtime, to avoid having to be alone with themselves.
Narratives of Disconnection: Most of society participates in a collective dream of disconnection from nature, viewing themselves as separate from the natural world, which perpetuates environmental neglect and exploitation.
Dependent Connections and the Stabilization of False Dreams
One frame by which to view reality is that we are all points of light floating in a quantum foam, dreaming countless dreams. And what we consider physical reality is the Earth’s dream, that we are all collectively dreaming with her. At the same time, we are also constantly wrapping ourselves and others in dreams, unconsciously using the Dream-Arts to create stories and then inhabit them, forgetting in the process that we stepped into the story, just like when we are in a normal (non-lucid) dream while sleeping. From that frame, it is difficult to keep ourselves wrapped in a dream that is negative (moving towards fear and separation) without someone else's energy helping to feed and stabilize that dream via a dependent connection.
The world as we experience it today, with its scarcity, inequality, resource limitations, and disharmony, can be understood as a manifestation of the collective dream we inhabit. This dream, woven from the dependent connections formed between billions of individuals, reflects our collective fears, beliefs, and unconscious narratives. These webs of dependent connections have shaped a reality that appears tangible and fixed but is, in essence, a dynamic and malleable collective creation.
Freeing Ourselves from Dependent Connections
Having recognized how we are surrounded by dependent connections, how then do we begin to eliminate them without destroying our relationships and our livelihood? As with all wholesome movement, the key is to move with the Five Virtues. We assert our sovereignty with kindness and equanimity. Moving with sovereignty means rejecting dependent connections, but doing so from a position of self-respect and respect for the others involved. Moving with kindness means approaching difficult conversations with love, compassion and empathetic joy. Moving with equanimity means remaining calm in the moment and avoiding overwhelm, so that we can remain respectful and kind throughout, without being swayed by emotional tumult or the urge to fix others’ problems for them.
Equanimity is particularly important, as it builds present-moment awareness. When we move reactively, we are shattering due to overwhelm and reforming inside a karma, often moving unconsciously in a dependent connection. Below are some of the benefits of cultivating equanimity and avoiding reactivity:
Interrupting the Automatic Response Cycle: When we are fully present, we are more likely to notice the onset of overwhelming emotions or reactions that typically lead to shattering. This awareness gives us the opportunity to pause and choose a different response, interrupting automatic patterns that lead to dependent connections.
Recognition of Subtle Energies: By being mindful and attuned to the present moment, we can become more sensitive to the subtle energies and dynamics at play in our interactions. This heightened awareness can reveal the undercurrents of dependency or the nascent stages of a karma forming.
Disengaging from Unconscious Narratives: Often, dependent connections are sustained by unconscious narratives or beliefs. Present moment awareness allows us to observe these narratives as they arise, recognize their illusory nature, and consciously choose not to engage with them.
Cultivating Non-Attachment: Mindfulness practices encourage a stance of non-attachment, which is crucial in transforming dependent connections. By staying present, we can experience emotions, thoughts, and sensations without clinging to them, thus avoiding the creation of new karmic ties.
Empowering Conscious Choice: In the present moment, we have the power of choice. By consistently choosing to seek – to remain open, flexible, and inquisitive – we reinforce positive patterns of behavior and thought, moving away from the negative polarization associated with hiding, clinging, or shattering.
Enhancing Self-Understanding: Cultivating equanimity increases self-understanding and introspection, crucial for recognizing one’s own tendencies towards dependent connections. It allows for a deeper understanding of one's own role in sustaining or transforming these connections.
Learning to eliminate dependent connections from our life in a wholesome manner is essential for living a healthy and harmonious existence. The key to altering the false realities that surround us lies in recognizing and transforming the dependent connections that fuel them. As individuals and as a society, we can become aware of the narratives we are sustaining and choose to step out of these limiting beliefs. By fostering connections based on abundance, equality, and mutual support, we can begin to reshape the collective dream into one that reflects harmony, sustainability, and equitable prosperity.
Each individual's awakening to this reality – their moment of lucid awareness – plays a crucial role in transforming the collective dream. It starts with personal realizations and actions: learning to respect ourselves and others, even when we disagree with their choices; choosing to believe in abundance over scarcity; practicing kindness, equanimity and sovereignty in daily interactions; and envisioning a world where resources are plentiful and shared equitably.
As more individuals make this shift, the collective dream begins to change. The dependent connections that once sustained narratives of scarcity and disharmony weaken, and new connections that support abundance and harmony strengthen. This shift can lead to systemic changes in how societies function, prioritize resources, and interact with the environment.
In essence, the current state of the world, with all its challenges, is not a fixed reality but a changeable dream, a collective creation shaped by the dependent connections we all partake in. By transforming these connections and the narratives they sustain, we can collectively dream and manifest a world that aligns with the ideals of abundance, harmony, and equality. This perspective empowers each individual as a co-creator of our shared reality, capable of contributing to a profound global transformation. If we heal ourselves, we heal the world.
