The Fine Art of Freaking Out (While Pretending to Be in Control)
We have all been there: the moment when life veers wildly off-script, and we scramble to maintain some semblance of order. Whether it is juggling too many responsibilities, managing relationships, or simply dealing with the unpredictability of existence, we find ourselves grasping for control—and often freaking out in the process.
The truth is, control is an illusion, a coping mechanism born from our deepest fears. This article explores how control manifests through various trauma patterns, how it impacts our lives, and, most importantly, how we can transcend it to embrace sovereignty and flow.
The Many Faces of Control
As we grow, we experience moments of trauma. In response to that trauma, we often develop unconscious reaction patterns, designed to give us a sense of security and allow us to feel in control. Each pattern represents a unique strategy to manage the fear of separation and maintain a sense of safety. Control takes on many forms, depending on the underlying trauma pattern driving it.
Leaving: Escaping Reality
In the leaving trauma pattern, control manifests as avoidance. Rather than confront discomfort or chaos, the leaving pattern chooses escape, whether through dissociation, distraction, or physically withdrawing.
Example: zoning out during conflicts or disappearing when responsibilities become overwhelming
Expression: "If I am not here, nothing can hurt me."
Pitfall: While avoidance may offer temporary relief, it deepens disconnection from self, others, and the present moment.
Merging: Seeking Safety in Connection
The merging pattern seeks control by dissolving boundaries and leaning heavily on others for security. Here, control is relational, driven by a fear of abandonment.
Example: over-accommodating or suppressing personal needs to maintain closeness
Expression: "If I stay connected, I will not be abandoned."
Pitfall: Dependency on others undermines autonomy and creates imbalance in relationships.
Enduring: Withstanding the Storm
The enduring pattern wields control by being unyielding, holding on through pain or difficulty. This approach views resilience as the ultimate defense against chaos.
Example: enduring toxic situations or suppressing emotions to “push through”
Expression: "If I remain unyielding, I can feel strong."
Pitfall: Emotional numbness and isolation develop, as this pattern prioritizes survival over thriving.
Aggressive: Forcing the World to Submit
Aggressive control takes the form of dominance, asserting power over situations or people to establish safety. This pattern thrives on force and confrontation.
Example: taking charge in every situation, often disregarding others’ needs or perspectives
Expression: "If I am in charge, nothing can threaten me."
Pitfall: Aggression creates conflict, resistance, and strained relationships.
Rigid: Clinging to Order
The rigid pattern finds safety in strict rules, routines, and perfectionism. It seeks to control chaos by creating an inflexible structure.
Example: micromanaging every detail or becoming upset when plans deviate
Expression: "If everything is perfect, nothing can go wrong."
Pitfall: Rigidity leads to burnout and an inability to adapt to change.
Separation: The Root of Fear
At the core of all these patterns lies the fear of separation, the belief that we are fundamentally disconnected from others and the universe. Control in this pattern is existential, an attempt to bridge the perceived chasm between the self and the whole.
Example: obsessively trying to “fix” everything to feel complete
Expression: "If I control everything, I will feel safe."
Pitfall: Attempts to control perpetuate the illusion of separation, deepening fear and disconnection.
The Cost of Control
While control may feel like a solution, it often comes at a steep price:
Emotional Impact: anxiety, stress, and exhaustion from the constant effort to manage everything
Relational Impact: miscommunication, conflict, and disconnection caused by controlling behaviors
Existential Impact: a profound sense of separation from the flow of life and the divine
The Art of Letting Go
The first step in letting go of control is acknowledging that it is an illusion. The more we cling to it, the more chaos seems to arise. Fear drives this need for control, and recognizing this truth opens the door to change. Instead of seeing life as something to be controlled, we can embrace it as a dance—one that invites us to flow with its unpredictable rhythms. Adapting to life’s tempo, rather than forcing it to match our expectations, allows us to find a stability rooted in flexibility and trust. This shift from control to flow is where clarity begins, transforming chaos into an opportunity for growth and discovery.
Practices for Letting Go
Mindfulness: observe thoughts and emotions of yourself and others without attempting to change them
Breathwork: use intentional breathing to calm the nervous system and release tension, so that you can respond, instead of react
Playfulness: approach challenges with humor and curiosity to disarm fear
A Personal Example
Like most parents, I used to spend a lot of time telling my children what to do. As I awakened, I let go of all control in parenting, allowing my children (ages 10 and 12) to choose their activities, take responsibility for their schoolwork, and determine almost all facets of their existence. Handled with kindness, equanimity, and sovereignty, the result was astonishing.
My children are now self-motivated, pursuing activities they truly enjoy with diligence. They grow kinder and more thoughtful daily, becoming wonderful human beings because I gave them the space to be themselves and find their own way, providing guidance and support only when requested or when I witnessed them doing something that carried negative energy without them being aware of it. And with the latter situation, I would make my point and move on, rather than attempting to force a change in the moment. In this way, my children have grown to trust that I am there for them, without attempting to force them into a particular mode.
They understand that they have the scope to pursue the dreams of their heart, and my only concern is that they grow up to be sovereign, kind and happy.
Sovereignty: Transcending Control
True power lies not in control but in sovereignty—the ability to trust in your own worth and move with the flow of life, fully present and intentional. Sovereignty transcends fear and separation, allowing us to:
Trust ourselves and our choices
Embrace uncertainty as a space for growth
Create connection and harmony rather than conflict
Practical steps to cultivate sovereignty include daily rituals to ground yourself in presence, setting clear intentions that align with your highest values, and practicing gratitude for the present moment as a way to invite flow and ease into your life. Incorporating moments of stillness or reflection, where you consciously release the need for control, can deepen your connection to sovereignty and help you navigate life with grace.
The Fine Art of Finding Your Way
Control may feel like the answer, but it is often the cause of our greatest struggles. Learning to let go, embrace flow, and step into sovereignty allows us to move beyond the illusion of control and live with grace and ease.
So the next time you feel yourself freaking out, remember: you are not alone. Laugh at the absurdity, breathe deeply, and let go. Life has a funny way of working itself out when we stop trying to control every moment.
